What Happened Last Night:
Thursday night I went out to eat with my parents, and my dad casually mentioned how Tony Clifton was in town. Now those who do not know me to well, I am a big Tony Clifton fan, and Andy Kaufman fan. 2 Halloweens ago I dressed up as Tony Clifton, and stayed in character the entire time I had the costume on. Including making my friends call
me Tony, as I would not answer to any other name. If they did call me by my name, I proceeded to make fun of myself.
Now when I dressed up as Tony Clifton, I learned most people have no idea who he is. Many mistook me for Freddy Prinze, to which I quickly corrected them. Tony Clifton is a Vegas lounge singer who has reportedly toured the world and sold more records than The Beatles. At least that is what he claims, but really he is a creation and character of Andy Kaufman and Bob Zmuda. Andy Kaufman started playing him, and people would go see Tony Clifton knowing it was really Andy Kaufman. However, Bob Zmuda, Andy Kaufman’s friend and writer started playing Tony Clifton too. People who though they were seeing Andy Kaufman for a cheap price, were actually seeing Bob Zmuda.
<--Me As Tony Clifton for Halloween
So after dinner with my parents, I go home and immediately check online to see if there are still tickets available. I come to find out that Tony Clifton has been in town since late July, I was pissed that I just found out about it now; but happy to see that tickets were still available, despite it being his last weekend in town. So I asked a bunch of friends, and two of my good friends agreed to attend with me for the very next night and it turned out to be one of the craziest nights we ever had as we went to see “The Return of Tony Clifton & The Katrina Kiss My Ass Orchestra,” a show run by Comic Relief for charity. Shortly after I got off work, I picked up my friends and we headed downtown to Chicago. The show said a start time of 9pm, and we got downtown around 7pm. Finding parking wasn’t all that easy, and every street corner I had to wait for some stupid person walking their dog to pass by. We found a spot and head toward the theater, and just off of a main street we see a guy peeing on a tree. Mind you this is a busy street and it is only 7pm, so it is fucking light out still. We got downtown early as we planned on getting some food before the show And in this area are some excellent Mexican restaurants. Now you may be thinking that is good, you have a variety of places to choose from. Well you’d be wrong. You see the Mexican restaurants I am talking about are La Pasadita, La Pasadita and La Pasadita. There are three of the same restaurants and they all are neighbors. Two are next door to each other, and one more is across the street. So to eat, we went with the obvious choice of La Pasadita. We entered the first agreeing to get 2 tacos from each to see which was the best. The first restaurant we all ordered 2 tacos each and waited for are order to come up. My one friend noticed his receipt showed he only ordered on Taco, this would certainly be points off this restaurants review. The tacos are good and we head next door for two more. We enter this restaurant and see we have a larger menu, and also see that it is a sit down restaurant to
o. So we grab a table and the waitress brings us some chips and salsa, which La Pasadita #1 did not offer us, major points for La Pasadita #2. We glance over the menu and all decide to get a burrito and another taco, deviating from our game plan. We also order drinks at this restaurant. My one friend ordered a lemonade, he instead gets an Orange Jarritos. He enjoyed it more, this mistake got this restaurant more points. The food came out, we ate half of the delicious burrito. Ate the taco (which wasn’t as good as the first restaurants) and then we all looked at the second half of our burritos and realized we were about done eating for the night.
We left the restaurant full, and all three of us lacked the manliness of going to the third La Pasaditas. It was now about 830, 30 minutes before show time. So we entered the theater and go to will call to get our tickets. Now this theater was very shady looking, one guy described it as looking like the Haunted House at Wisconsin Dells, to which we all agreed it did. In the lobby are a bunch of hippy artistic people sitting around, I roll my eyes. We get our tickets and look at them, we see that the show doesn’t start at 9, but rather doors open at 9. Whoops, my bad. We decide to go walk around for a while to kill time.
We walk around the block and see a group of kids on their bikes hanging out. There was a 5 year old kid holding onto the leash of what looked like a large pitbull. The pitbull saw a cat and took off, the 5 year old kid weighing as much as the pitbull has the leash jerked from his hand as he stumbled over. One of the older kids decided to yell at the younger kid, telling him that what he just did, he shouldn’t do ever again. The get the pitbull back fairly quickly and we continue to walk. We walk past a lady named Mo, talking on her phone on the balcony. She didn’t have a British accent, so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Mo from Guts. My one friend claimed he may work with the lady on the balcony, my one friend is a dirty liar.
We arrive to a little park area with a fountain in the middle and decide to sit there for awhile. We sat on a circular park bench, sitting directly behind us were three homeless folks. One of them sees an attractive girl walk by, to which he proceed to compliment her on her looks. She sped up walking to get by us. Then the guy turned his direction towards us, and our preshow entertainment began. This gentlemen proceeded to give us advice on how we need to yell at women to get them. Because you see, even an ugly guy can get an attractive woman if he knows how to compliment her.
This man introduced himself as Herbert Something, Jr. None of us remember, or heard his last name so that is what we called him the rest of the night. You see Herbert is from New Orleans and his brother owns a funeral home out there, he has for the past 8 years. Herbert was kind enough to tell us that three times. But it was understandable, because Herbert himself admitted he was drunk when he claimed “I may have had a few beers tonight, okay maybe it was like 13 or 14 beers.” Mind you it was only 850 at this point. Herbert went on to tell us how black women are to hard to date, because they expect so much from you and you don’t get any in the end. Herbert was a black gentlemen, and also showed his disgust toward his own kind despite claiming to love all nationalities.
At this point, Herbert politely stated he didn’t want to waste anymore of our time and to remember the big man upstairs is number one. But then he somehow transitioned into baseball, which he clearly knew nothing about. I myself am not a big sports fan at all, but I knew more than Herbert. But Herbert was cool cause he is a Sox fan, and doesn’t want to see the Cubs win
the World Series. Some random Mexican rode his bike up to Herbert and gave him a dollar and rode off. Herbert then brought up his family again, telling us how they all basically have masters in business. He claimed his one daughter is in her early thirties, single and very independent. Herbert told us just how attractive his daughter was, and that is she was in town he’d tell her to come down here so we could see for ourselves. He compared her looks to that of Halle Berry, Eddie Murphy, and Vanessa Williams. We were just as confused by his mention of Eddie Murphy as you are.
Sadly it was almost 9pm, we shook hands with Herbert and said are goodbyes, not before he hollered at another girl walking by, this time with a guy. He really was a nice man and a people’s person just as he claimed. We go into the theater and see people hanging in the lobby and doors for the theater are not open. We ask the employees what time the show would actually start, they said 945-10. We look around and see it is Bring Your Own Booze, so we set out to find a liquor store. We leave the theater, and who comes running up by us, Herbert. He told us how he was going to pee, and we asked where the nearest liquor store was at, he pointed us on our way and asked if we’d buy him a beer.
We enter the liquor store and weren’t sure how much to get. We eventually agree to get some 40 ozs. We buy one for Herbert hoping to see him again. We head back towards the theater, our eyes peeled for Herbert but sadly we didn’t see him. We agree to just hang out before the show in the lobby area, where we were treated to some more preshow entertainment.
As we sit around in the lobby, we see the girl and guy who Herbert hollered at, we are really missing Herbert Something Jr. at this point. We look around, and to our surprise Tiny Tim is in the lobby. While Tiny Tim may be dead, this guy looked just like him. He was dress
ed in a suit and was carrying a book, which we speculate was the bible. He was there by himself, and he paced back and forth the entire time. One of the employees went to a back area and came out with some records, one of which was a Tiny Tim album. We thought maybe Tiny Tim would be part of the act for the night. We sat around and talked to some of the other people, many of who also noticed the Tiny Tim look-a-like.
Many of the guests were impressed by my Tony Clifton t-shirt I bought a few years back, all asking me where I got it at. We met a variety of people, and saw a lot of strange people. Earlier in the night we saw a guy dressed in a red suit, very pimp like. He came walking in with two additions to is attire, no it wasn’t ladies, it was devil horns. The night was already worth the trip to downtown, and we haven’t even saw the main event yet, Tony Fucking Clifton.
Finally around 10 we are allowed to enter the theater and we find our seats. There really wasn’t a bad seat in the place, and we were very happy with our 15-dollar tickets. We make small talk with some of the people around us again, all speculating if Bob Zmuda is actually playing Tony Clifton tonight, to which I told them I was pretty sure it is him. The lady next to me started to complain about my burps smelling, and I apologized even though I continued to burp all night. She said it was no big deal and told me a story about her camping with people the week before with people she barely knew and how she was burping like crazy then too.
The intro video for Tony Clifton started and the show started. Out came Tony Clifton with his orchestra and a few scantly dressed women. He sang to songs and then began talking to the crowd. The tickets claimed the show was “Suitable for All Ages,” he opened with a few pedophile jokes, lit up a cigarette (despite it being illegal to smoke in Chicago) and demanded a glass of Gentlemen’s Jack. Tony was looking good as ever as he came out in his classic attire (despite him having three complete outfit changes throughout the night). He warmed up the crowd, and we all really had no idea what we were getting into.
Mr Clifton proceeded to tell some jokes and sing some songs. The entire audience was really into it all, constantly yelling stuff at him. Mr. Clifton said it was time for some audience participation, and quickly picked two people near the front. My hand shot up (surprisingly nobody else had their hand up) and he was like “Yeah you over there, come down here too.” I grabbed my Colt 45 and headed down to be on the same stage as Tony Clifton. As I got down there, I did a classic Mick Foley arm raise. Tony first started to talk to the lady volunteer, making jokes about her looks in good humor. The bald fat guy next to me started to talk to me about my shirt. I was quickly on to him, knowing Tony Clifton’s classic routine using audience members and a ringer. Tony came to me and asked me my name, to which I gave it to him. I repeated my last
name for him, and he asked what the fuck kind of name is that, some Indian bullshit. I laughed and informed him it was Lithuania. Tony then drew his attention to my shirt. Making me show the band, and asking me where the fuck I got it from. I told him how I got it online, and it was an honor to be on stage with a legend like him. I then mentioned his claims of selling more records than The Beatles. He laughed, said “Damn right, but what are you the fucking president of my fan club. You are a fucking loner get a life.”
Tony saw my Colt 45 and grabbed it, saying what the fuck am I doing, this is a classy place and I shouldn’t be drinking this shit. He proceeded to throw my bottle of Colt 45 up in the air, and it landed on the ground. He moved his attention to the bald guy who claimed to be polish, I was right that he was the ringer. We did a few rounds of if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands. To which the polack messed up as planned. Tony kicked me and the girl off the stage to focus on the bald man. Tony said he was going to do a magic trick for us. He grabbed a pitcher of milk and poured it over his assitant Keeli’s head, said abracadabra and no milk poured on her. He then went to the audience volunteer, and poured the milk on his head, and since he forgot to say the magic word it went all over him. The guy acted pissed and got kicked out of the show.
Tony continued his show, singing some more great song and interacted with the audience. At one point, someone in the audience made a joke, Tony laughed but said nobody fucking upstages him and called security to remove the man. Tony than sang Goldfinger were he choked out his assitant Keeli. Everyone was upset, so I started to chant Keeli, to which the entire audience joined with me. She poked her head back out to get some cheers from us. Tony then mentioned Frank Sinatra. My friend who came with me proceeded to boo the mention of Frank Sinatra. Tony got pissed off and called security to remove my friend. Everyone pointed out my friend as the culprit, include myself and my other friend. My friend was removed, and I was worried I’d have to leave early now as to not make my friend wait around. Thankfully my friend texted me saying they would let him come back in ten minutes.
Later our friend would tell us how he was joking with the security the entire time. And how the guy who got kicked out earlier for upstaging Tony was the CFO of Comic Relief. And how the CFO got really pissed off that he got kicked out and stormed out of the place. After all this, the show ended….it’s first half. That’s right, two hours into the show and it was just not intermission. Tony decided to treat the entire audience to a shot of Jack Daniels, and all the ladies brought them out to us.
After about a 15 minute intermission, the show starts back up again. Tony continued to do what he does best, entertain. He proceeded to toss empty beer cans all over the stage, flip over a table in the front row, and just cause some havoc. He told us some more jokes, including making fun of Rosie O’Donell. Keeli randomly brought up Bernie Mac’s death, to which my friend and I were the only ones who reacted, shouting AMERICA as Bernie Mac would say it. Keeli also performed a little rap, and Tony eventually fell asleep during the show. Keeli opened up a curtain and we see Lil Tony, a puppet version of Tony Clifton who apparently has a love for the drink Sweet Tea. Keeli gives him some, and Tony Clifton eventually wakes up yelling at Lil Tony for being there. At about 2am I we all were getting pretty tired
. At this point the sold out theater was half empty as a lot of people left. The show ended with I Will Survive and God Bless America. Then the band did one more song and invited us all down to the stage to dance, we danced the night away. One of the audience members went straight for the Jack Daniels on stage, so the employees quickly grabbed it so nobody would steal it. We went out to the lobby, all bought a poster of the show and left for the car.
The show ended at about 230. They said it went for 4 hours and 18 minutes. Take out the intermission, and you got 4 hours of pure entertainment for about 15 bucks. It was easily the best show any of us saw, and it was especially eventful as we personally were involved with the show in a few ways. I doubt I’ll ever see a better show again, unless I go to see Tony Clifton again sometime in my life. I highly recommend seeing him, especially if you get what Tony Clifton is all about. You may get offended at parts, as the seems to be his goal at times. But you will be entertained. The orchestra was also amazing, playing in a jazz like style as all the artist were from New Orleans, just like Herbert Something Jr. And even though Tiny Tim wasn’t involved in the show, I suspect each show is very unique from one another. While some of the songs may be the same, his interacting with the audience could not be. For a 15 buck show downtown, you will never find a better deal or show for that price.
As we left, we walked buy people selling polish sausages at like 245 in the morning out on the streets. Some Mexicans wanted to know about our posters, we ignored them. We looked for Herbert once more but never found him. My friend peed in an alley off of the main street, just like the guy peed on a tree earlier. We got to the car, drove home happy with our night even though we all were really fucking tired.
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